life update 001.
It’s been a while. I started to think that maybe I lost my passion for my website or blogging but it wasn’t anything like that. I just think that like any creator or artist sometimes you just need some down time. Allow the creation to come to you, allow time for it to piece together to begin creating a masterpiece. So first things first. I would just like to address a few things. I want to remind my readers that this is my blog, my website, my baby. I put the time and effort into making her, creating and building her. I will have the freedom to do and say anything I please. I feel very strongly about people accepting me for who I am, just as I am. If you don’t like the things I say or how raw I am, please feel free to find another blogger that keeps it professional, keeps it sweet for you and probably uses all their punctuation correctly.
my life has changed so much in the last few weeks. i am truly becoming me. i am becoming stronger daily, i am becoming braver by the day, i am becoming a talented young woman, i am becoming my truth, i am becoming an embodiment of my wildest dreams. as most of you know, i am married or was married. i was with my husband for 10 long years. we fell in a whirlwind of young and toxic love at 15 years young. long story short, we got married, i moved to follow him with the military and tried to become the best wife i could possibly imagine. that was a real life goal for me. i want to be an amazing wife, mom and friend. i didn’t have the best image of a marriage or what a wife or husband should be growing up (a lot of us didn’t) but i knew i would fight and put in all my might for the people and the one i love.
i was told by a friend that when word started to get around that i was getting a divorce that their mom had made this comment about how she was so shocked because i made it seem as if my husband “walked on water” lmfao. i thinks it’s bizarre people expect me or others to put all their shit out on social media or something just for the sake of showing that my life isn’t picture perfect? i apologize if i didn’t display how broken my marriage was, i was too focused on repairing it. now that the cat is out of the bag, i’m getting a divorce. not by choice. but it’s happening. i fought hard as fuck to avoid this, i tried changing everything about me, i even tried to make it work after i took over the lease told him to get the fuck out. (no bs, mariah carey- gtfo is playing in my ears) the universe is so funny. before all this happened i had obviously already lost my husband, lost a few friends, got laid off from a marketing job i loved and i found out i had a miscarriage. i had to handle all of that alone too. along with a host of other lies and drama. after my last attempt to fix my marriage and he said no, i had to know again, why??? why was i not worth it? why am i such a terrible human being that i was never loved properly by you while busting my ass to please you? “because you have a bad attitude.” that shit hurt. it hurts that having an attitude is because i raise my voice too loudly when i feel hurt or angry and being way too vocal. i’m working on it. i’ve improved. is a bad attitude really worth a divorce? especially when it’s an attitude you were very aware of before you asked me to be married? in my opinion, my attitude is way better than before i was married because…growth. so it hurts and it’s a let down to be let down by a man i loved so dearly with everything in me.
that day i went back home after begging my husband for the last time to be with me. i cried so fucking hard. i cried a cry that made me scream and sob while crying out for my mommy and daddy. i was paralyzed to my floor debating if i could even handle life anymore. for a split second, i wanted out. i was tired of dealing with this same pain over and over again. i truly wanted to be out of my misery. i didn’t want to lose my husband, i didn’t want my fake ass fairy tale to be over. we literally could’ve been so happy. but i wasn’t enough. at least that’s what i thought at the time. i called my mom and she tried her best to help me breathe through it and let go. i felt the hurt and helplessness she felt not being able to hold me or ease the pain. i called my best friend who i had been ignoring for days or maybe even weeks before because i’m an anti-asshole bff at times and i pushed people away while i was drowning in my sorrows. she flew to me that day. i told her i needed her to help me and she was there. no questions asked. (i love you so much for that kayla) i love you so much.
after kayla left me in florida, the emotions settled. i finally began thinking clearly and feeling good again. if you follow me on instagram you know what i am about to say next. but i told my mom that i was tired of being in florida. i had no friends, no job, and school was the only thing keeping me in that sunken ass place. i didn’t want to lay another disappointment on my parents so i kept pushing. hearing my mom say fuck that, i support you, get the fuck out of there, was everything for me. that was the end of oct. and i ended my lease, sold my shit, and moved to texas 3 days later…
it’s almost the end of january! i can’t believe how fast the time is flying by, how quickly life changes, and to actually be where i am today. so life update right? well.. so much has happened last year and i guess this is going to be a post to really sum it all up so i can just leave it where it is. in the past. as you can see, i’m starting over in every sense possible. my marriage has ended, i’ve sold 90% of my belongings and uprooted my life again to move to austin, tx. i get a chance to wholeheartedly love myself, finally become closer to minimalism, and i get to live somewhere new that caters to my vegan lifestyle, my love for nature, the country and city life. i’m thankful.
life is really coming at me fast and i’m truly just laughing with tears in my eyes as i try to keep up. i’m in a really good space right now to be in the midst of ending my marriage. 10 years doesn’t feel like it was all poured down a drain. it was the greatest learning experience of my life. i swear i never wanted to be divorced, like ever. but i’m here and honestly, like i told my husband. i’m thankful. i’m forever thankful that he had the strength to end it. i’m thankful that even though it’s something that hurts and felt so comfortable, we just weren’t meant to be anymore. we love each other without a doubt, i know that and i honestly think that’s what made us hold on for so long. we never really wanted that love story to end but it had to. we had to let it go to grow because we were both drowning in a sea of toxicity and unhappiness. it took me me a really long time to come to terms with it. it was weird and a hard reality to grasp that i would be just briana. a single woman, a divorced woman, a failed marriage participant. when in actuality i’m briana. free to be her own woman. i felt like a failure for so long. i was embarrassed because my husband was divorcing me. like what kind of woman am i for your husband to leave you? i felt like shit. it took me time to really accept that i did everything i could, i fought as hard as i could, i changed as much as i could, i loved as hard as i could. but when i finally found peace with him leaving me, is when i got that phone call from him reassuring me that i was amazing, i did do everything i could, i fought, i loved, i changed, i did my part. it was mostly him, not me. i didn’t need it but i needed that.
i love texas. i love this new found independence and confidence. i love the where i am. i am so proud of me, and still shocked at my own strength at times. i still wake up some days in disbelief that the apartment i wake up in is all mine, the bed i lay my head down in is for me only, the food in my cabinets, the comfort of my home is all me. i did that. this is mine and no one can take that from me. i feel like i’ve been given a second chance at life, another opportunity to get it right and for that i am forever grateful. my mom used to always tell me she wanted me to live alone first, find me and become a woman first before settling down but i was in love! little ol bri getting married at 20 and divorced by 26. my mindset has changed. my outlook on life has changed. my views on relationships, love, and marriage…changed. my sexuality, changed (sorry mommy) lmfao. but seriously, i get to finally be the briana i always was meant to be but i never had the chance to sit and uncover the layers. at this moment and forever after, i am just loving and living for bri, unapologetically.
you know, i’ve always had a really bad habit of not sticking to things. more so jobs lmao. i have a really really bad habit of quitting jobs. i need freedom. i hate clocking in. i hate having the same routine. i hate having to not being able to wear my nose ring, or my own clothes, or sit at a desk, write when i need to, full access to my twitter.. i mean, honestly. i hate school. i would rather create my days. create during my days. create love and life. create new conversations, break boundaries, do the impossible. i want to see the beauty of the world by living in it, traveling through it, belly aching laughs, long lasting friendships, spending hours in nature, and wild romances like in the movies. i want that. it’s so possible and i’m going to have exactly that. i got way off topic. my point here was that i'm surprising really happy right now at my job. i think it’s more so because i’m happier on the inside. i’m happier at home. i’m happy and tbh my job is also pretty chill and honestly just ah-mazing. i have made new friends, coworkers, and future business partners all in a matter of two months. i couldn’t be happier. life isn’t perfect. i get hella sad. i’ve always been a sap. but that’s life. it’s fucking life. things are changing here. i’m rebelling. this is my site, my life, and i say and do what i want. i'm running this site with only briana in her ear and well. anyways i have big goals and dreams and i’ve always wanted to expand curly hair vegan. i’ve been cooking up a lot of things beyond this website but things take time. in the meantime, i will start here and start fresh. i've always wanted more blog contributors, more healthy conversations, surrounded by other like minded individuals, link ups, travel, start businesses and all sorts of god and goddess shit. every vegan is different. subscribe to the site to stay updated on new posts. big things are going to come this year.
peace & light,