something you should know being married young
so my husband and I started dating when I was 15 and he was 16. we got married at 20 and he was 21, divorcing by 25 and 26. we were young and in love and everyone around us agreed we were soulmates. so we did it. though things weren’t always picture perfect, we wholeheartedly loved each other. looking back, i’ve always been a very vocal and strong-willed girl. my husband, on the other hand, has always been more on the cool, calm, and collected side. like every perfect love story, opposites attract and we did. simply reflecting on this post opened my eyes to just how opposite we are, but how amazing it has been for the both of us and our growth.
we challenged each other daily. his strengths and mine are total opposites, but we were constantly having to relearn each other and ourselves. after marriage, i began to notice how our upbringing played such a major role in our married and everyday life. all the signs, flashing lights, bells or whatever that should’ve went off in my head to me just never did, same with him. he could’ve seen how crazy my family was and ran. we are all shaped by our family and outside influences growing up.
there was a point in my adult life that it dawned on me… i had watched my mother struggle and be a prisoner of her own depression and anxiety my entire life. now don’t get me wrong, my mom is a beautiful and an extremely strong woman. she’s also a retired marine, with a nice amount of money in the bank, a single mother to two girls and an ex-wife to three. just like everyone else, she was a product of her environment. my mom taught me a lot of amazing things growing up. most importantly, she taught me how to be a strong an independent woman. unavoidably, i happened to pick up some terrible habits from her too. for example, watching her always yell to get her feelings across. I had to come to realize, that some things my mom would do weren’t necessarily the best way to go about it or the only way to do them. our parents are human too.
i would always hang out over my husband’s house back in high school. i remember how differently his mother would react when she was upset compared to mine. for example, when they didn’t help her clean up the house, or just forgot something important, she would just get quiet. whenever her feelings are hurt or she gets really upset, she just doesn’t speak to you. they were always just left trying to figure out what was wrong with mom. what pissed her off this time? it was always so awkward and confusing to me because my mom was the complete opposite. it also never crossed my mind that my husband would treat me the same way.
now, i’m a 25-year-old, military wife, now divorcing, who finally had to accept the reality of my own depression and anxiety and kick its ass with a major dose of self-love and positive self-talk. i was living alone in my townhome while my husband was deployed. after some argument, i couldn’t control my temper or the tone of my voice, and i’m pretty sure i didn’t hear a word that was said on the other end. that phone call ended with me hysterically crying, screaming, and for the first time, i even started throwing stuff and breaking it. why? apparently, i had to make my husband understand it wasn’t okay to ignore me for days just because he was upset at me.
luckily, all these recent challenges in my marriage and in my daily life started to make sense. we are molded by our upbringing and society. growing up we have no control. i do believe that we can control these things once one we become self-aware. essentially, take accountability for your own shit and your life will change. no more pointing fingers at who’s “wrong” when you don’t have your shit fully together.
“behavior is governed by each individual’s sense of self, inherent creativity and free will.”
so i said all that to say this, being married young or old is not easy and it never will be. love is not all you need, it’s just apart of it. i loved my husband, i loved him like no tomorrow and no one can tell me he didn’t feel the same in return at some point lol. but people change and they grow. It’s inevitable. if you aren’t changing, you’re dying. the problem was, our marriage was dying, we let our marriage die out of fear of changing our old habits, and not knowing how to love ourselves first.
i know, who am i to speak on what you should know while being married young?
it’s not like i lived through it or anything.
this is for anyone who needs it. this is because even though there are so many reasons you may want to let go of your marriage…you were married young and these are growing pains. maybe think about redefining things. this is why people tell you not to get married young because at 18-25+ you are still very much so growing into yourself. you learn more about the world, yourself, spirituality, personality, and even sexuality. when you get married young you have to face the struggles of growing through those changes with another person, every day and be patient with one another. allow yourselves time apart and time to grow back together. it’s okay to not be okay. every marriage has ups and downs so don’t ever let that discourage you.
everything is a learning experience and a chance to grow. yes, leaving is easy and hard all at the same time. most of the time, both spouses need to grow up and make changes. it’s never just one person’s fault 100% of the time. so accept your flaws before you go pointing fingers. realize you are both growing adults with imperfections. accept that and learn to love and support each other through these changes. that support is what makes your marriage stronger. i’ve only been married going on 5 years in march. though we are choosing to end our marriage, we began this journey 10 years ago as of December 08. we could’ve made it. we could still be happy in love. but any relationship, partnership, marriage, whatever… it takes two willing participants. you can’t beat a dead horse, or keep chasing someone who runs from conflict and communication. I’ve also feel like there’s some people who were just mean’t to come into your life to teach you very valuable lessons. Lessons on how to love and how to let go, while continuing to live. Our time has ended and that’s okay. I’ll always love what we had and how it has shaped me into who I am today. Relationships really aren't that hard when you can both accept that you’re perfectly imperfect. Use your disagreements as a chance to communicate and shed another layer with each other. Not a chance to reign supreme. However, no relationship will last it you haven’t done the work with yourself. its starting within. So start there. I’m hope i’m able to shed some light on balancing marriage/relationships while finding, creating and loving yourself. i’m not promising to have all the answers, but i promise to keep it as real as possible.
all in all.
thank you for the lessons.
thank you!! thank you!! thank you!!
peace & light,