Something You Need To Know Being Married Young

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Something You Need To Know Being Married Young

photo-1453857271477-4f9a4081966ePhoto by Cayton Heath

My husband and I have been together since I was 15 and he was 16. We’ve been married since I was 20 and he was 21. It was right after he joined the military, we were young and in love and everyone around us agreed we were soulmates. Though things weren’t always picture perfect, we wholeheartedly loved each other. Looking back, I’ve always been a very vocal and strong-willed girl. My husband, on the other hand, has always been more on the cool, calm, and collected side. Like every perfect love story, opposites attract and we do. Simply reflecting on this post opened my eyes to just how opposite we are, but how amazing it has been for the both of us and our growth.

It hasn’t always seemed that way and it definitely doesn’t always feel that way.
We challenge each other daily. His strengths and mine are total opposites, but we’re constantly learning and teaching each other. After marriage, I began to notice how our upbringing played such a major role in our married and everyday life. All the signs, flashing lights, bells or whatever that should’ve went off in my head to me just never did, same with him. He could’ve seen how crazy my family was and ran. We are all shaped by our family and outside influences growing up.

There was a point in my adult life that it dawned on me… I had watched my mother struggle and be a prisoner of her own depression and anxiety my entire life. Now don’t get me wrong, my mom is a beautiful and an extremely strong woman. She’s also a retired Marine, with a nice amount of money in the bank, a single mother to two girls and an ex-wife to three. Just like everyone else, she was a product of her environment. My mom taught me a lot of amazing things growing up. Most importantly, she taught me how to be a strong and independent woman. Unavoidably, I happened to pick up some terrible habits from her too. For example, watching her always yell to get her feelings across. I have come to realize now, that some things my mom would do weren’t necessarily the best way to go about it or the only way to do them.

photo-1509330812790-18e07938b859Photo by Marc A. Sporys

I would always hang out over my husband’s house back in high school. I remember how differently his mother would react when she was upset compared to mine. For example, when they didn’t help her clean up the house, or just forgot something important, she would just get quiet. Whenever her feelings are hurt or she gets really upset, she just doesn’t speak to you. They were always just left trying to figure out what was wrong with mom. What pissed her off this time? It was always so awkward and confusing to me because my mom was the complete opposite. It also never crossed my mind that my husband would treat me the same way.

Now, I’m a 24-year-old military wife who finally had to accept the reality of my own depression and anxiety and kick its ass with a major dose of self-love and positive self-talk. I was living alone in my townhome while my husband was deployed. After some argument, I couldn’t control my temper or the tone of my voice, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t hear a word that was said on the other end. That phone call ended with me hysterically crying, screaming, and for the first time, I even started throwing stuff and breaking it. Why? Apparently, I had to make my husband understand it wasn’t okay to ignore me for days just because he was upset at me.

photo-1515349075823-d61d928b33d6Photo by Isaiah Bekkers

Luckily, all these recent challenges in my marriage and in my daily life started to make sense. We are molded by our upbringing and society. Growing up we have no control. I do believe that we can control these things once one we become self-aware. Essentially, take accountability for your own shit and your life will change. No more pointing fingers at who’s “wrong” when you don’t have your shit fully together.

“Behavior is governed by each individual’s sense of self, inherent creativity and free will.”

So I said all that to say this, being married young or old is not easy and it never will be. Love is not all you need, it’s just apart of it.  I love my husband, I loved him like no tomorrow and no one can tell me he didn’t/doesn’t feel the same in return. People change and they grow. It’s inevitable if you aren’t changing, you’re dying. The problem was, our marriage was dying, we let our marriage die out of fear of changing our old habits, and not knowing how to love ourselves first.

I know, who am I to speak on what you should know while being married young?
It’s not like I lived through it or anything.

This is for anyone who needs it. This is because even though there are so many reasons you may want to let go of your marriage…you were married young and these are growing pains. This is why people tell you not to get married young because at 18-25+ you are still very much so growing into yourself. You learn more about the world, yourself, spirituality, personality, and even sexuality. When you get married young you have to face the struggles of growing through those changes with another person, every day and be patient with one another. Allow yourselves time apart and time to grow back together. It’s okay to not be okay. Every marriage has ups and downs so don’t ever let that discourage you.

img_2183Photo by Antoine Boone

Everything is a learning experience and a chance to grow. Yes, leaving is easy and hard all at the same time. Most of the time, both spouses need to grow up and make changes. It’s never just one person’s fault 100% of the time. So accept your flaws before you go pointing fingers. Realize you are both GROWING adults with imperfections. Accept that and learn to love and support each other through these changes. That support is what makes your marriage stronger. I’ve only been married going on 4 years in March, but we began this journey going on 10 years this December. I’m hoping to be able to start shedding some light on balancing marriage/relationships and finding/loving yourself. I’m not promising to have all the answers, but I promise to keep it as real as possible.

If you have any relationship questions, feel safe and open to express them below or in a message, here.

peace & light,
CHV

 

8 Replies to “Something You Need To Know Being Married Young”

  1. Well put .. That’s why I got so much love and respect for you..wish yall much happiness n growth. Love your uncle

  2. Wonderfully written and well thought out article. Your honesty and candor is refreshing from someone so young. In an age where people need to blame someone else, you had the clarity to look within yourself. That takes a lot of courage. I commend you as well as your mom. You are a beautiful and talented young woman. Continue to always seek knowledge and always strive to be better than you were yesterday! -CJ

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